summer

tis summer starting... yet it feels so rainy inside... i'm still wondering if i can ever move on at this point... it has never come to me how losing someone important can be so void... so empty inside... it's an irreplaceable hole i think... you can only have one mother right? my mind just keep turning on its own spiral twists.

evryone says it's for her best that she had done great things in her life, raising me and my brothers alone plus working and suffering but still she kept going on for my sake, for her family's sake...

how painful can this be huh? when you know that you lost the most important person in your whole life... you will know. no words can describe it, never enough tears, full of regrets and despair.

to those who loved their mums
and be loved so dearly in return
i envy you so...
yet i'm so thankful we have been given great mothers

Revival

guys i'm going to revive the blog...
probably just to write sth down for crying out loud... i'm gradually being less and less expressive... i guess the nerd-pills i took just started to kick in...
i mean... i spent most of my days inside that ugly expensive too-f*kin-cold-to be-true tiny little room playing any games i had and watching any DVDs lying around...
for the worst part... I started to reject ppls who asked me to go out and find some chicks... i found girls in here are mostly spoiled brats who had too much sugar in their blood...
now this is the greatest part... I don't think it's quite convenient though... but I started to NOT smoking periodically...
WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING TO ME!!!!!
GOSH!!! LET ME LIVE AGAIN!!!!

Short Story... i hope writing something here should be (at least) cleaning up my infected head... so that at least i can do sth straight, think straight, and at least have a straight sense for ladies... C'MON!!!! Smoke is too good to reject!!!
why would you now not wanting to smoke...

"Something blissful is not always good for you... but for crying out loud... you still alive! so be grateful for it! cause it was blissful enough to stay alive!"
- Rendezvouz avec - Siethology Chapter One

time to move on

... it was then i wanted to look for a job...
while i was looking for it around my network and my bros' networks, my friend 'cebonk' asked me if i'd like to try the enrollment test in his faculty wondering if i can still study what i really like... computers. Then he bought me the enrollment form and so my mom agreed and let me take the test first.

so the day of the test came... i hardly studied since i hardly remember anything about maths and ppkn (citizenship in indonesian curricullum) but 50% of the test was about to be on those subjects... the other 50% was english and logical questions. it was a 100-question test that i needed to do in 2 hours.

after the test, i came home and told my mom i didn't do about 20% of the test and i think it should be enough for me to be accepted. oh yeah... the test result also determined the amount of enrollment fee on the university. so then i cannot really say anything about the test to my mom... i did what i could.

two weeks after the test they published the result on the internet. it was just a normal afternoon for me... i connected to the internet and then opened the univ's website and saw that my test number was on the list. Phew... i'm glad i'm in...
but then after i read through the pages... i thought it was my imagination but... wasn't it my name written there...

.............................................................................

i stopped for a while... i re read the sentence on top of my name... then i kept thinking... it seems so vague... so bizarre... so i checked my enrollment form and... yes... it was my name...

i just jumped out of my chair, opened my door and run bustling to my mom saying "SCHOLARSHIP!" (in Indonesian of course), then i also dropped at my bro's shop and yelled the same thing... i kept running around and jumping... i rushed to my phone to tell this to my friends 'keonk' and 'cebonk' and they was as much surprised as i am...

it felt like a dream... it hit me hard in the head... i had never ever imagined that this would happened to me... me... a dork, lazy-ass, freak-bastard me... i had never ever studied for anything... it was too troublesome to do... moving pens and reading stuff...

so that brings now to me... a new spirit in life... my very first goal in my life... is to graduate with a diploma and a scholarship. it may sounds stupid like i said before... but it is the only thing i wanted to do right now before anything else... before ANYTHING else...
it's already time to move on... my age is not limitless... there are things i wanted to do after this... still a long way through... a very very long way through...

===================================================

siethology - Chapter One
"what we pursue in life, what we seek, and what we wanted the most... may not be the best for us. But who is to decide what is best for us? What we earned, even though it might not be the best, might be the greatest gift we had, or the best tribute to our life... because if you are alive till this very moment... you should be grateful" - sietho 2004 New Year's Resolution

siethology - Chapter Two
"the reason of existence... the raison d'etre is nevertheless a confusing part in our life. Whether we have to subdue life by making abundant amount of money... or by having a good wife and raising children... or even by fulfilling our very "dream" whatever it may be. As we stumbled into life, people, all things that happened in the world might just be either the slightest effect or like a meteor hit that turns our life around. To walk in the same line is utterly impossible... what I must have... what I cannot lost... is the reason to live... is to walk that very line set before us... by whosever power... so that whatever I pick along the process become my follies and trophies... including the feeling and the experience, the kiss, the hug, the madness, the troubles, the tears... and most of all... the connection" - after my newborn nephew Evarel

crack...

to start with... i'd tell you guys that i am officially student of the Surabaya University on the Technical Faculty majoring at Information Technology.

for you guys who've known me in NL... i guess you guys realized that computer is what i'm handy with... and thanks God He let me fix my past mistake in choosing my previous major... you guys may think i'm the normal stud in learning communication management thingies... i did my homework, read the book, listened to the lecture and worked in the project group... but during those two years of eight practices... i lost my figures and motivation... i started to doubt my own choice... and when it came to working in the agency as intern... i simply stalled and stopped on the way... and while i'm thinking of the expenses i had to pay for the sake of studying in NL I began to count the gain and loss of this journey to NL... thus it came to my mind... the point where i think it's pointless to study something you don't like and somewhere too far away and expensive to be PLUS the crappy school i am trapped with... so i decided to call it off... at that moment i was thinking of working as a web designer with my limited knowledge... i was sure i could trap some of my friends to teach me tricks in designing website... then time flies... i quit the job, quit the school and started to look for work... in the free time i accepted a job to teach some elementary kids English. Then my mom asked me if i really want to quit studying and start to work... I said I'm sure. I then told her that I will continue study with my own cash and proves to her that I am able to gain a diploma (it may sound strange but i really want to make her proud by having a diploma... since none of my two older bros finished their studies - they got married and gave me 4 nephews already). So it was then settled... i would find a job to save money for studying...

to be continued (i wanna watch football! :p it's LVP - CHE for Champions Cup's sake!

PS: I'm gonna start the TagBoard again... so you can "again" leave me msg there...

PS: Praise the Lord for my newborn nephew.. dated 01 May 2005 10.00 PM "Evarel"

"May the utmost blessings and merciful salvation of the Lord be the guide in his life and in the mortal sins he may rise with redemption like the son of God, Jesus Christ. He shall be the light in the darkness of the world. He shall be the cure of the forsakened mind. He shall be the love for the hateful heart. He shall be loved and protected as he will protect and love those who resigned the way of evil... salvation came with our love for each other" - Sietho's Salvation of Love May 4th 2005